Dear Super In-Shape Guy at the Gym,

We all noticed you bust a front double bicep as soon as you got into the gym. We also saw you piss all over that bench just incase anyone didn’t know it wasn’t taken. But do you really need to stand there pretending you are a Greek god? You’re blocking the aisle for the rest of us, get walking. You remember how to walk don’t you? It’s one set of knuckles in front of the other.

Okay, so if you’ve got it, flaunt it, I suppose, but would it really kill you when it’s just the TWO of us in the cardio area, to just keep your shirt on instead of going all Matthew McConaughey while running on the treadmill? In the words of Phil Foster, “…for the love of God, put on a fucking shirt.” You don’t see me taking my shirt off do you? (Collective sigh of relief) Not even when I’m hot from the alcohol. It’s called manners.

I understand that you think nobody wants you to keep your shirt on, and your pulsating veins demand our attention. But seriously, what in roid hell is going on with your arms and legs? Just looking at you makes my own veins all tingly. If someone touched one of your veins, I think it would touch them back. Sometimes, I get the distinct feeling your veins want to chat with me as you walk by.

Lastly, I find it amusing how you will attempt to lift more weight than usual when women come around. Just to let you know, you look constipated, and your pulsating veins are trying to tell you that it’s not a good look for you. Maybe you can’t understand them since the only way you seem to communicate is through grunts.

Much Love,

Guy Who’s Already Sweating After Walking Up The Stairs