Well My Bitches…it has been months, literally, since my last post. Let’s just chalk it up to a production break between seasons of my blog. Bwahahaha! Anyway, school has been a bit harsh and has been demanding a lot of my time. Statistics is one of the hardest classes I have taken thus far in my education career. Most of the other students in the class have failed it at least once and this is either their second or third time taking it. Statistically speaking that means each one of us is, wait…I don’t know what the hell this means statistically since I’m not doing so hot in the class. Ha Ha, stupid bitch.

Anyway, my new goal is to post more on this damn blog than I have been. I will not promise anything, except that I will backhand a child in the near future, but I will do my best to continually add content to this here blog. Initially I setup this blog to house my thoughts and feelings on the stupidity of mankind, but have found that to be too taxing. Instead of writing on the ghetto fabulousness of stupid people, I end up going home, taking five Xanax and drinking myself into a coma to deal with the harsh reality of our government putting a moratorium on natural selection. Remember, “Stupidity only hurts its victims, not its champions.” (Thanks Mike and Nathan!)

I am hoping to add a little more to the format of my posts. I will still post my witty repertoire and quips about my constant hatred of the human race (DEATH TO HUMANS!), but I thought I would chronicle my way back to healthy eating. In layman’s terms: a diet. Yes, it is true. I have gained back 35 pounds since my great weight loss in late 2008 and 20 of those pounds have been since January. No matter how much I want it and try for it, I just can’t bring fat and nasty back. And since Justin Timberlake already brought sexy back, I really have nothing to bring. “It’s already been brought-en.”

In an effort to catch you all up on what I have been doing over the past few months, I have compiled a few points of interest for you. (Is it just me, or does this post seem to go on and on?) Anyway, here they are…

January: I voted: Coco FTW please. I also met someone, and that’s all I have to say on the matter at this time, oh and I gained 7 pounds.

February: I thought long and hard about this month. Do I talk about the great Valentine’s Day I had or all of the fabulous homes I toured during the Parade of Homes? No! What totally made my month was watching a child do a face plant as it tried to run through the mall. Bwahahaha! Priceless memories, oh and I gained 8 pounds. Phucking candy.

March: Went to Vegas for spring break weekend. Went shopping, ate at P.F. Chang’s (twice), rode the roller coaster at the New York New York, and went to Blue Man Group. I got pulled up on stage from the audience. IT. WAS. AWESOME! I totally blue myself. (See photo below) I have also gained 5 pounds thus far.

Somewhere in there I also instituted a personal ban on Café Rio. It’s too much to go in to, but let’s just say they are “champions.” I think that may be all for now, but I will keep you posted and continue to work on updating this blog. OH!, before I forget, I did upload some new music to the player. I hope that you enjoy! TTFN!

Well…like most of Tiger Woods’ sponsors, 2009 has come and gone. Personally, I am glad to see 2009 go and before it has a chance to disappear completely, I would like nothing more than to tell 2009 to suck a fart out of my ass. Hopefully most of you, like me, will be celebrating and bringing in 2010 three sheets to the wind because as most of you know, proper holiday behavior is to be drunk. I will be pissing the night away (cue Chumbawamba) with friends and a Ziploc full of ribs. Tim, I shall thank you ahead of time for the wonderful ribs as I will be so drunk that anything will seem ok, even anal sex...wait.. As we bring this year to a close I thought I would share some of my favorite moments from 2009 and a few of my resolutions.

Favorite/most memorable moments of the past year go to…

Chris Brown introduces his fist to Rihanna (cue Rihanna’s song “SOS”). Chris Brown then gets upset because he thinks that some major stores are refusing to carry his new CD. Brown then turned to his Twitter account for some encouragement and anger management help. He said that stores aren't stocking the CD, and that he is being "blackballed." He also said that the industry can "kiss my ass.” He takes his anger out on Twitter because he knows the Twitter Bird can't hit him back. Then, when he realized nobody cared, he deleted his entire Twitter account. You’re a rapper dude. I thought that’s what rappers did was get “blackballed”…ass.

Tiger Woods is publicly outed as a cheater. Dear Tiger, didn’t anyone ever teach you that you don’t sleep around on your Swedish blonde bombshell of a wife with nightclub VIP hostesses and one very mannish looking…err…woman?

Simon Cowell should kiss Susan Boyle’s ass. She rocked Britain’s Got Talent with I Dreamed a Dream and showed the world that an unemployed 47 year old single lady living alone with her cat Pebbles in “a collection of, a collection of, a collection of villages” [yeah that’s it] can sing.

Jersey Shore premieres on MTV. Read my blog post regarding Douche Bags. That will explain the premise of the show.

Lindsay Lohan goes to India to film a BBC Three documentary on child trafficking. If you thought this had international incident written all over it, you were right. She tweeted that she’d saved 40 children as part of one day’s work. The actual organization that helped the children took two months in planning the raid, not one day; they also carried it out before Lindsay even arrived in India. Way to help those children Lindsay or should I say Mother Teresa?

The anti-intelligent Carrie Prejean sues the Miss California Pageant Officials for over a million dollars believing she was fired for her anti-gay-marriage ramblings. She was claiming “religious discrimination.” Reportedly a lawyer for the pageant showed her a…wait for it…sex tape and that shut her up. The lawsuit was then mysteriously dropped. I wonder why? Stupid bitch.

Latricia Whitman called 911 over a McDonald’s order. “I ordered a 10-piece chicken nugget with a small fry, and she said we don’t have nuggets,” said Latricia. I love that the operator acted like she was willing to help, asking, “Is there a manager there? OK, I’ll send an officer.” I’m calling bullshit. You know with a name like Latricia, that bitch ordered a 20 or 25 piece, not some silly little 10 piece.

Mary Strey, a 49 year old woman in Missouri, called 911 to report a drunk driver. This is great, unless the driver you’re reporting is yourself. “Are you behind them?” the operator asked. “No, I am them.” Really? “I am them.” That’s your best response? Well, in her defense she was drinking, driving and talking on a cell phone at the same time. I guess kudos are in order for her multitasking skills. Remember, if you are going to drink and drive; drive someone else’s car.

I don’t know about you, but I have mixed feelings about fools like these. First off, they bother me. Ok, so “bother me” is putting it nicely. Most of the time I want to shank them with the shiv from my keester stash. On the other hand, they bring me glorious entertainment with their shenanigans. Makes me just want to pull up a lawn chair, pop some popcorn and enjoy the show.

As it is with tradition, I have come up with a few resolutions to work on once 2010 has commenced. Just like every other year, I’m sure that I will inevitably lose sight of these goals. I’m hoping that I will at least last the first day of the New Year before reverting back to my self-absorbed assholeness.

The winners of the 2010 Resolutions are…

I am adopting a no-apology policy for what I say. If you feel that I have offended you in anyway and you would like me to issue an apology, this will be my statement: “You would have to be a complete fucking moron to think I was serious. The end.” The only person I have apologized to is my mother and that was court ordered.

I will do better at pretending to care, as long as it does not conflict with the first resolution.

I will try to be less of a dick to the hopeless, slack-jawed, gum chewing, cell phone yammering, blue eye shadow wearing, stuffed into spandex, lashes by Tammy Faye, hyper-as-a-yappy-dog, mouth breathing moronic populace as long as it does not conflict with the first or second resolution. Hmmm…. I’m guessing this resolution will get used as much as a treadmill would at Kristie Alley’s house.

Here’s wishing you a great and bile-less New Year. To those of you that feel the need to list dieting as one of your New Year resolutions, I hope this quote from Jay Leno helps you along on your daunting task.

“Now, there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.”

So… my roommate Mike sent me this lovely post, A Toast, Jedidiah, from a gal named Kristen. First off, thank you Mike for sending this post my way. I love it and I am really liking some of her other posts. It sounds like her and I may have been twins separated at birth. If you know me, then you would know that her recap post fits me flawlessly. Second off, I would like to welcome Mike back to the gym. Those ellipticals have missed you. For those of you that don’t know yet, Mike finally purchased a gym pass. Oh… by the way Mike, your TV called and it misses you too.

Back to the daunting task at hand. You are welcome to click the link above, open a new window, read Kristen’s recap of Sean's post, and navigate your way back here or you can just read my recap of her recap about Sean's post and stop wasting your computer’s memory with all those open internet windows.

First and foremost, I must salute you Kristen and Sean (not that either one will ever read this, or even know who the fuck I am), your recap and post should win a prize for its brutal honesty and clarity. Shall we begin?

Neither Kristen nor I could picture ourselves being in a relationship with someone. There are so many things that I do by myself and to myself. I will eat alone, sleep alone, put my cigarettes out on the bottom of children’s feet alone, laugh alone (mainly at my own jokes), go to the gym alone, blah, blah, blah, etc. I don’t mind doing stuff with other humans, it’s just so taxing dealing with others’ schedules and it annoys the hell out of me to stray from my everyday routine. I understand that I have a DVR (Digital Video Recorder), but that does not mean I need to overwork it and run it into the ground. It’s not a ten year old in a sweat shop people!

Envisioning me in a loving, committed relationship is something that I have a hard time wrapping my head around. In fact, just writing about it has caused a fever blister to manifest on my lip. UGH! I have now dubbed my new friend Bob Loblaw (Arrested Development). You may call it Bob as you stare at it and giggle. Honestly, I would probably take pleasure in being with someone. Knowing that someone will be there, having them ask about your day, and wanting to go do things together gives me that same warm and fuzzy feeling that vodka does. Just as long as they knew I had complete control. Complete control. No silly checks and balances system here.

I have always said that I need a part-time boyfriend. Only around when I want him to be, and as far away from me when I don’t. Friday night through Sunday night would be perfect. A full-time relationship takes too much consideration and it’s not something you can just run away from like the dinner check or a crying baby. Mike would say I am like a cat, and he is right. I want a boyfriend to be loving and affectionate when I want it and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE OR I WILL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT when I don’t. And just like Kristen says, “He should have dark hair and a British accent.” Is that too much to ask for?

I’m sure if you took all of this information and put it together in some elaborate complicated mathematical equation, the ending conclusion would be that I am a self-absorbed asshole. Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. No more phone calls please. Truthfully, I am just an anti-social person living in a fantasy world where I am always right and I never get screwed over at the drive thru or take out. So, if you see me out in public, just remember a few things. Rule number one, unless you come served in a frosted glass, do not come within three feet of my lips and Bob Loblaw. Two, when you’re speaking and making jokes, just remember that I have a fake laugh with your name written all over it. And finally, I judged you at the door. It’s a safe bet that I think you’re stupid, shallow and a common whore.

I have added a few new tunes to the player on the music page. I hope that you enjoy them. I do have to say that I am really enjoying the "Back to the 80's" song. It makes me laugh every time I hear it. Also, the music page is in play mode only. There are no links at this time. If you are just dying to have a song, you know where to find me.

The holidays are upon us bringing the season of bitchiness and absolute stupidity. Douche baggery and stupidity have been running rampant in this town for a long time, but when the holidays roll around, we seem to be inundated with much, much more. I personally think that it may be all of the peppermint flavored “whatever” that is making everyone a raging asshole. Mike a.k.a. Camilla seems to think that it is pumpkin flavored “whatever” that causes people to be a douche. I’m not quite sure whether it’s the peppermint or the pumpkin. Maybe it’s some peppermint pumpkin flavored protein shake that everyone is drinking, who knows? Maybe it’s just me being the douche bag and thinking that everyone else is. Nah, that can’t be it. I’m a crazy asshole year ‘round. So it really must be everyone else.

I am just completely fed up with people and it is barely Thanksgiving. Dealing with idiots has become so common place now days that I almost don’t recognize it when I see it. Like when I went to Costco last week to pick up some water for the office. I will admit that when I purchase water for the office, I do buy quite a few cases. I load up my NASCAR sized basket and race to the front to get the hell out of there. Now…here begins the idiocy. Comment after comment about the size of my purchase. “How much water can you drink?” “Boy, you must be supplying water to another country…ha ha ha.” O.K., so maybe I don’t get the whole concept of Costco. I was under the impression that it is a warehouse and bulk was the name of the game. I did not realize that I was offending people with my lack of knowledge of Costco etiquette. I will now be conforming to Costco standards and no longer buying items in bulk. I have learned my lesson. The next time you see me there, I will be grazing the aisles munching on the free demos then heading up to the checkouts with my single purchase of Metamucil and holding up the line.

With all of this bitching and jolly jabbering I have been doing, I have failed to realize that it is Thanksgiving and I should be giving thanks for many things. So I have compiled a few points that I am thankful for, and hope that some of you can take them to heart as well and enjoy this wonderful holiday season.

1. I am thankful that I can easily recognize a douche bag thanks to Ed Hardy.
2. I am thankful that blamestorming is now considered an art form.
3. I am thankful that I carry mistletoe in my back pocket so all the hateful bitches out there can kiss my ass.
4. I am thankful that Camilla Toe rolled out on the hot mess express this year.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving bitches!

Well Camilla came out in full force this past Halloween weekend and tore up the town with her toe! She flaunted that cougar cave like it was the best thing since sliced bread. There hasn’t been that much toe since Britney Spears stumbled out of the car. It’s been three long years since we have had the glamorous toe tapping Camilla and it was well worth the wait. Many of you were lucky enough this past weekend to experience the “leg in the air” and “stank extraordinaire” party hard with her Aftershock and shirt stretching sandbag tits. For those of you who unfortunately missed that cavernous cougar on the prowl, I have posted pictures for your viewing pleasure. CAUTION! Children under 17 viewing these photos may need an adult and/or therapy. Simply click on the photos tab in the upper right hand corner. These photos have been brought to you in part by Brit-Tan’s Facebook and “Right-Click, Save Picture As...”

I do need to thank everyone for all the bitch-slapping that took place to bring our precious Camilla back! Thank you; everyone did an awesome job. I know I would like to see Camilla again and so I will be doing my part and begin my bitch-slapping early for next year. ‘Tis the season of merry giving and I will be merrily giving the palm of my hand to your face. JMike may not want to bring Camilla back so soon, but just like Brokeback Mountain, we just can’t quit you Camilla. You bring joy, laughter and that stranger danger feeling to our lives. Here’s to you Camilla Toe, for a wonderful Halloween, until next time.