So… my roommate Mike sent me this lovely post, A Toast, Jedidiah, from a gal named Kristen. First off, thank you Mike for sending this post my way. I love it and I am really liking some of her other posts. It sounds like her and I may have been twins separated at birth. If you know me, then you would know that her recap post fits me flawlessly. Second off, I would like to welcome Mike back to the gym. Those ellipticals have missed you. For those of you that don’t know yet, Mike finally purchased a gym pass. Oh… by the way Mike, your TV called and it misses you too.

Back to the daunting task at hand. You are welcome to click the link above, open a new window, read Kristen’s recap of Sean's post, and navigate your way back here or you can just read my recap of her recap about Sean's post and stop wasting your computer’s memory with all those open internet windows.

First and foremost, I must salute you Kristen and Sean (not that either one will ever read this, or even know who the fuck I am), your recap and post should win a prize for its brutal honesty and clarity. Shall we begin?

Neither Kristen nor I could picture ourselves being in a relationship with someone. There are so many things that I do by myself and to myself. I will eat alone, sleep alone, put my cigarettes out on the bottom of children’s feet alone, laugh alone (mainly at my own jokes), go to the gym alone, blah, blah, blah, etc. I don’t mind doing stuff with other humans, it’s just so taxing dealing with others’ schedules and it annoys the hell out of me to stray from my everyday routine. I understand that I have a DVR (Digital Video Recorder), but that does not mean I need to overwork it and run it into the ground. It’s not a ten year old in a sweat shop people!

Envisioning me in a loving, committed relationship is something that I have a hard time wrapping my head around. In fact, just writing about it has caused a fever blister to manifest on my lip. UGH! I have now dubbed my new friend Bob Loblaw (Arrested Development). You may call it Bob as you stare at it and giggle. Honestly, I would probably take pleasure in being with someone. Knowing that someone will be there, having them ask about your day, and wanting to go do things together gives me that same warm and fuzzy feeling that vodka does. Just as long as they knew I had complete control. Complete control. No silly checks and balances system here.

I have always said that I need a part-time boyfriend. Only around when I want him to be, and as far away from me when I don’t. Friday night through Sunday night would be perfect. A full-time relationship takes too much consideration and it’s not something you can just run away from like the dinner check or a crying baby. Mike would say I am like a cat, and he is right. I want a boyfriend to be loving and affectionate when I want it and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE OR I WILL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT when I don’t. And just like Kristen says, “He should have dark hair and a British accent.” Is that too much to ask for?

I’m sure if you took all of this information and put it together in some elaborate complicated mathematical equation, the ending conclusion would be that I am a self-absorbed asshole. Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. No more phone calls please. Truthfully, I am just an anti-social person living in a fantasy world where I am always right and I never get screwed over at the drive thru or take out. So, if you see me out in public, just remember a few things. Rule number one, unless you come served in a frosted glass, do not come within three feet of my lips and Bob Loblaw. Two, when you’re speaking and making jokes, just remember that I have a fake laugh with your name written all over it. And finally, I judged you at the door. It’s a safe bet that I think you’re stupid, shallow and a common whore.

I have added a few new tunes to the player on the music page. I hope that you enjoy them. I do have to say that I am really enjoying the "Back to the 80's" song. It makes me laugh every time I hear it. Also, the music page is in play mode only. There are no links at this time. If you are just dying to have a song, you know where to find me.

The holidays are upon us bringing the season of bitchiness and absolute stupidity. Douche baggery and stupidity have been running rampant in this town for a long time, but when the holidays roll around, we seem to be inundated with much, much more. I personally think that it may be all of the peppermint flavored “whatever” that is making everyone a raging asshole. Mike a.k.a. Camilla seems to think that it is pumpkin flavored “whatever” that causes people to be a douche. I’m not quite sure whether it’s the peppermint or the pumpkin. Maybe it’s some peppermint pumpkin flavored protein shake that everyone is drinking, who knows? Maybe it’s just me being the douche bag and thinking that everyone else is. Nah, that can’t be it. I’m a crazy asshole year ‘round. So it really must be everyone else.

I am just completely fed up with people and it is barely Thanksgiving. Dealing with idiots has become so common place now days that I almost don’t recognize it when I see it. Like when I went to Costco last week to pick up some water for the office. I will admit that when I purchase water for the office, I do buy quite a few cases. I load up my NASCAR sized basket and race to the front to get the hell out of there. Now…here begins the idiocy. Comment after comment about the size of my purchase. “How much water can you drink?” “Boy, you must be supplying water to another country…ha ha ha.” O.K., so maybe I don’t get the whole concept of Costco. I was under the impression that it is a warehouse and bulk was the name of the game. I did not realize that I was offending people with my lack of knowledge of Costco etiquette. I will now be conforming to Costco standards and no longer buying items in bulk. I have learned my lesson. The next time you see me there, I will be grazing the aisles munching on the free demos then heading up to the checkouts with my single purchase of Metamucil and holding up the line.

With all of this bitching and jolly jabbering I have been doing, I have failed to realize that it is Thanksgiving and I should be giving thanks for many things. So I have compiled a few points that I am thankful for, and hope that some of you can take them to heart as well and enjoy this wonderful holiday season.

1. I am thankful that I can easily recognize a douche bag thanks to Ed Hardy.
2. I am thankful that blamestorming is now considered an art form.
3. I am thankful that I carry mistletoe in my back pocket so all the hateful bitches out there can kiss my ass.
4. I am thankful that Camilla Toe rolled out on the hot mess express this year.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving bitches!

Well Camilla came out in full force this past Halloween weekend and tore up the town with her toe! She flaunted that cougar cave like it was the best thing since sliced bread. There hasn’t been that much toe since Britney Spears stumbled out of the car. It’s been three long years since we have had the glamorous toe tapping Camilla and it was well worth the wait. Many of you were lucky enough this past weekend to experience the “leg in the air” and “stank extraordinaire” party hard with her Aftershock and shirt stretching sandbag tits. For those of you who unfortunately missed that cavernous cougar on the prowl, I have posted pictures for your viewing pleasure. CAUTION! Children under 17 viewing these photos may need an adult and/or therapy. Simply click on the photos tab in the upper right hand corner. These photos have been brought to you in part by Brit-Tan’s Facebook and “Right-Click, Save Picture As...”

I do need to thank everyone for all the bitch-slapping that took place to bring our precious Camilla back! Thank you; everyone did an awesome job. I know I would like to see Camilla again and so I will be doing my part and begin my bitch-slapping early for next year. ‘Tis the season of merry giving and I will be merrily giving the palm of my hand to your face. JMike may not want to bring Camilla back so soon, but just like Brokeback Mountain, we just can’t quit you Camilla. You bring joy, laughter and that stranger danger feeling to our lives. Here’s to you Camilla Toe, for a wonderful Halloween, until next time.

I would like to toss out an update for all the Camilla Toe supporters out there. It appears that many of you have taken on my plea for help and have been bitch slapping (“BS”) the hell out of people this weekend. That is great! A flash of the Toe was spotted this past weekend and I do believe if we keep up with the BS, that we may have the Toe in full force for Halloween. I would like to give a shout out to my Brit-Tan, who went right to the source and laid down a bitch slap so hard that I’m sure Chris & Robin felt it out in Georgia. Way to go Brit-Tan! Keep up the good work. Chris, figuring out a way to hurl some "BS" all the way from Georgia was brilliant.

The Camilla countdown begins today and hopefully everyone will continue to throw down the BS. If you are just learning about our cause; remember, it’s not too late to start. Throw down as much BS as you can possibly can. Help bring Camilla back to life. I’m sure many of you made the most of the weekend and presented all kinds of BS to your friends and family.

Keep up the good work everyone. Pretty soon we will be flooded with the crazy tastelessness that makes up Camilla.

Ok folks, I need your help! As we draw even closer to Allhallows Eve, my roommate Mike a.k.a. JMike a.k.a. Muffin a.k.a. Hateful Cow is still piddling around with his costume. We are all looking forward to setting our eyes on Camilla Toe (see below) this year. It was 2006 - a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away – since anyone has groped or witnessed the gross misconduct that is Camilla. Mike, JMike, Muffin, Hateful Cow….we are begging you to bring her back! We need magnificent Halloween entertainment this year. It has not been the same since you last pulled out those chicken wings from those droopy, sandbags tucked in your belt you called breasts.

Just as you did when you where a child and clapped your hands to bring Tinkerbell back to life, help me bring Camilla Toe back by bitch slapping someone….anyone. That’s right! That’s all it takes. The harder your slap, the better it is. Each time you bitch slap someone, it helps to bring Camilla Toe back to us. Instead of giving that high five for a job well done, smack a bitch up. Sit out on the sidewalk in front of your house; extend out your hand and slap those children running by on their way home from school. Let them run right into it! It’s simple; it’s so easy that everyone can do it. Tell a friend, tell a co-worker, tell your frienemies! In fact, don’t tell them, show them!

We miss that scraggly, been everywhere red hair that looks like it took a roll through a forest. Please, please bring her back! It just hasn’t been the same!

Want to see more quality posts? Help bring this blog back to life by doing your part and put out your cigarette on the bottom of a child's foot.