Well…like most of Tiger Woods’ sponsors, 2009 has come and gone. Personally, I am glad to see 2009 go and before it has a chance to disappear completely, I would like nothing more than to tell 2009 to suck a fart out of my ass. Hopefully most of you, like me, will be celebrating and bringing in 2010 three sheets to the wind because as most of you know, proper holiday behavior is to be drunk. I will be pissing the night away (cue Chumbawamba) with friends and a Ziploc full of ribs. Tim, I shall thank you ahead of time for the wonderful ribs as I will be so drunk that anything will seem ok, even anal sex...wait.. As we bring this year to a close I thought I would share some of my favorite moments from 2009 and a few of my resolutions.
Favorite/most memorable moments of the past year go to…
Chris Brown introduces his fist to Rihanna (cue Rihanna’s song “SOS”). Chris Brown then gets upset because he thinks that some major stores are refusing to carry his new CD. Brown then turned to his Twitter account for some encouragement and anger management help. He said that stores aren't stocking the CD, and that he is being "blackballed." He also said that the industry can "kiss my ass.” He takes his anger out on Twitter because he knows the Twitter Bird can't hit him back. Then, when he realized nobody cared, he deleted his entire Twitter account. You’re a rapper dude. I thought that’s what rappers did was get “blackballed”…ass.Tiger Woods is publicly outed as a cheater. Dear Tiger, didn’t anyone ever teach you that you don’t sleep around on your Swedish blonde bombshell of a wife with nightclub VIP hostesses and one very mannish looking…err…woman?Simon Cowell should kiss Susan Boyle’s ass. She rocked Britain’s Got Talent with I Dreamed a Dream and showed the world that an unemployed 47 year old single lady living alone with her cat Pebbles in “a collection of, a collection of, a collection of villages” [yeah that’s it] can sing.Jersey Shore premieres on MTV. Read my blog post regarding Douche Bags. That will explain the premise of the show.Lindsay Lohan goes to India to film a BBC Three documentary on child trafficking. If you thought this had international incident written all over it, you were right. She tweeted that she’d saved 40 children as part of one day’s work. The actual organization that helped the children took two months in planning the raid, not one day; they also carried it out before Lindsay even arrived in India. Way to help those children Lindsay or should I say Mother Teresa?The anti-intelligent Carrie Prejean sues the Miss California Pageant Officials for over a million dollars believing she was fired for her anti-gay-marriage ramblings. She was claiming “religious discrimination.” Reportedly a lawyer for the pageant showed her a…wait for it…sex tape and that shut her up. The lawsuit was then mysteriously dropped. I wonder why? Stupid bitch.Latricia Whitman called 911 over a McDonald’s order. “I ordered a 10-piece chicken nugget with a small fry, and she said we don’t have nuggets,” said Latricia. I love that the operator acted like she was willing to help, asking, “Is there a manager there? OK, I’ll send an officer.” I’m calling bullshit. You know with a name like Latricia, that bitch ordered a 20 or 25 piece, not some silly little 10 piece.Mary Strey, a 49 year old woman in Missouri, called 911 to report a drunk driver. This is great, unless the driver you’re reporting is yourself. “Are you behind them?” the operator asked. “No, I am them.” Really? “I am them.” That’s your best response? Well, in her defense she was drinking, driving and talking on a cell phone at the same time. I guess kudos are in order for her multitasking skills. Remember, if you are going to drink and drive; drive someone else’s car.
I don’t know about you, but I have mixed feelings about fools like these. First off, they bother me. Ok, so “bother me” is putting it nicely. Most of the time I want to shank them with the shiv from my keester stash. On the other hand, they bring me glorious entertainment with their shenanigans. Makes me just want to pull up a lawn chair, pop some popcorn and enjoy the show.
As it is with tradition, I have come up with a few resolutions to work on once 2010 has commenced. Just like every other year, I’m sure that I will inevitably lose sight of these goals. I’m hoping that I will at least last the first day of the New Year before reverting back to my self-absorbed assholeness.
The winners of the 2010 Resolutions are…
I am adopting a no-apology policy for what I say. If you feel that I have offended you in anyway and you would like me to issue an apology, this will be my statement: “You would have to be a complete fucking moron to think I was serious. The end.” The only person I have apologized to is my mother and that was court ordered.I will do better at pretending to care, as long as it does not conflict with the first resolution.I will try to be less of a dick to the hopeless, slack-jawed, gum chewing, cell phone yammering, blue eye shadow wearing, stuffed into spandex, lashes by Tammy Faye, hyper-as-a-yappy-dog, mouth breathing moronic populace as long as it does not conflict with the first or second resolution. Hmmm…. I’m guessing this resolution will get used as much as a treadmill would at Kristie Alley’s house.
Here’s wishing you a great and bile-less New Year. To those of you that feel the need to list dieting as one of your New Year resolutions, I hope this quote from Jay Leno helps you along on your daunting task.
“Now, there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.”
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