So I am sure that most of you noticed that I did not post yesterday. I do apologize, but I was busy all day long putting my tour schedule together for My Life On The Q-List. That's right! A tour schedule. I do not have a tour manager since I am on the Q-List, but I thought I would put a tour together anyway. Now...this "tour" thing does not mean that I am going around doing stand up comedy or anything of that nature. It's a list of places you can see me at on a day to day basis making fun of people and judging them; which can be stand up comedy if you think about it. I will be testing a "pre-tour" date to see how it works out. This week you can see me at 161 North 900 East, St. George, Utah on Friday, July 3rd at 7 PM MST. Remember, this is on Friday night, not Saturday, that location will be closed Saturday in observance of the holiday.

Just to let all you cougars in training out there know, my friend Tam ("My Little Cougar") offers a Cougar Camp for all new cougars to this skilled profession. She offers "hands on" pack training at the gym Monday through Thursday. Friday through Sunday she's out hunting for herself and cannot be bothered. If you would like to join the hunt, simply email her at iwantayoungerman@cougarcamp.com. Good luck hunting!

Is there a Douche Bag ("DB") training facility in town somewhere that I don't know about? Do they have some secret base of operations located out in the fields where you can only gain entrance upon completing some type of asshole handshake or teabagging? It seems like we are being infested with DB's everywhere. They are spreading through town like the Bird Flu through Mexico and leaving the Chlamydasyphaghonahepaherpelaids in their wake. Where the hell do they all come from? What kind of training are they receiving? Seriously, is there a handbook for this kind of shit where on the first page you get the two main rules for becoming a DB?

1.) Purchase as many Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts as you can.
2.) Learn that the only way to get your point across is to be a complete asshole.

Some how, some way, we need to figure out how to make DB's an endangered species. Maybe tonight at Mike's intervention we can all blamestorm something.

Ciào

The fame has started rolling in. This morning some lady at Albertson's totally rushed me for my autograph. She needed it for her "charge slip" album or whatever she was calling it. UGH...fame is so exhausting.

So I've decided that I am stepping over into the obsessive part of life and I am going to be Like Kathy Griffin. As she lives on the D-List, I will be living on the Q-List (Queer List) as a D-Lister in training. Although, I will probably end up on the F'd List when this is all over. No, no, no, I will not be doing anything drastic like stalking her. If I am going to be stalking anyone it will be Ryan Reynolds (YUMMY!). Anywho, as a D-Lister in training, I will now be wearing my sunglasses everywhere I go, including work, taking calls on my cell phone with the speaker on at all times (if you don't like that, don't call me...TEXT!), getting out of vehicles in a mini-skirt and no undies and possibly wearing a hooded sweatshirt or hat, although this may fuck up my hair and I can't be having that. I would like to have my own show, but since I am short a camera crew, production company, famous guest stars, a channel for it to be on and pretty much anything else that goes with that, it probably won't happen so you will get to watch my Q-List life through my photos that I have yet to post on this site. To sum it all up....nothing will change. I will still do the same shit I do now, except I am going to photoshop my pics to make myself look even cooler. HA!

It's freakin' Wednesday and we still have two days left of the week. Let's all pop some Xanax, put on our boot flask and make it through the next two days at work. WE CAN DO IT! Anyway, Transformers 2 came out last night at Midnight and the reviews do not look good. I am very saddened by this and all I have to say is, I better see some shirtless action from any of the HOT male stars if I am going to sit through a movie Rotten Tomatoes (looked it up for you Mike) has only given a 21% (109 rotten reviews out of 138 total at the time of this post). I am not too happy about this. It's fucking summertime, all of the movie blockbusters are supposed to be out and be damn good movies, not CG animated, Megan Fox stripping, technical duds. Now, if Josh Duhamel was stripping, this would be an entirely different thing!

Well, pick yourselves up by the boot straps campers. Two more days and we are to the weekend! Let's all keep going and get this train wreck of a week over! I have also updated the music page of my blog with some new music. The new songs are listed below for you. Enjoy!

OK. So if you haven't watched Kathy Griffin's: My Life On The D-List, you are definitely missing out. That is some funny shit! Last nights episode Kathy (look at me on a first name basis like we are BFF's) was invited to fly out to Georgia and spend the night with Paula Deen and her family. Very good episode! Trying to watch Kathy hook it up with Paula's available son and get into the Deen fortune was hilarious. I do have to say though, I about peed my pants when I heard Paula Deen's description of the Griffin Team's restaurant serving skills being described as a "circle jerk." HOLY SHIT! To hear those words come from Paula Deen was priceless!

Also, if you have not checked out her official personal website, I have added it to the links section of my blog. Her tour dates are listed on her website and she will be in LAS VEGAS ON JULY 3RD! Anyone up for going with me?

Well, well, it's Monday and I am ready to crawl back into bed. We should have all got up before sunrise, rushed out to a field grabbing any object we could and battled to prevent the sun from coming up thus delaying the work week from starting (see below). This weekend seemed long and unproductive and it also seemed like all the little things went wrong for me. Started out Saturday morning with spin. YEP, I was late. I got up on time, got ready and left on time as well, but I was two minutes late by the time I got to the gym. Either my clock or the gym clock is wrong or I experienced a time warp on the Boulevard. Just little things here and there went wrong. It was upsetting, yes, but it didn't turn me into Princess Pissy ("PP") for the weekend (insert "Thank God!" comment from friends). The 80's dance party at Jazzy Java was a bust. I guess the cops showed up when the dance started and informed the owner that he could not hold a dance because he did not have a dance hall permit. WTF? Do you need a permit to do anything in this city? Oops, I just farted, are you going to arrest me City of St. George since I do not have a permit to break wind? Fugitive on the run here. Anyway, had a family BBQ this weekend for my uncle's 40th birthday. It went surprisingly well (the Xanax helped quite nicely) since my family usually gets into a fight anytime they come within 10 feet of each other. This time, not so much. No fights, no name calling, no throwing food, etc. I do miss the name calling though, it's quite funny. They use such primitive words like dipshit and asshole. Nothing creative like Cock Juggling Thunder C*nt.

Just so everyone knows, Kenneth (Kdawg) is starting his diet and training at the gym today. So if you see him this week, this is probably why he may be acting like PP. I do wish him the best of luck with his goals, I hope that he achieves them and maintains them to his satisfaction. Before I forget, Bath and Body Works("BBW")is having a sale. I just put a huge dent in my checkbook purchasing foam soap, shampoo, conditioner and lip balm. The soaps are $3, lip balm $5 and the shampoo and conditioners are $3. Everything seems to be on sale and its a pretty good one that is going on right now, so PLEASE come to the mall, shop BBW and support us! Have a great Monday and next week let's all plan to battle back the sun to keep the work week from starting!

The migration is complete and so far all of the links are still working. You will notice page links at the top of the blog for my profile, music, photos, the archive and contact. I have also added a search bar to the right. I hope that you all enjoy the new look. Feel free to take a look around and have fun!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

* Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
* Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
* And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Two more hours and we SHOULD (no promises) have a smooth transition to the new look of my blog. I hope that you all enjoy the new look and are very proud of me for actually making a post on the weekend. LOL.

Yes, Yes, I know! I told you that you wouldn't notice a difference with the migration to the new format, but some of you may have noticed that the Blog Archive is missing from the sidebar. OOPS! You can click on this Blog Archive link to access the archived posts for now. As always, learn to cope with it.

OK. I just have to tell you that I am having a ball revamping my blog! I did not know that it could be fun. It's totally like an addiction. I don't think I have ever spent this much time and put this much effort into anything, including school! Anywho, for those of you who have a blog and have used customized templates, you know what I am talking about. For the rest of you, either get a blog and try it out, or if you have one already, start uploading templates and see how much fun it is!

I totally just realized how much of a dork I am by posting this. Ugh!

Here are the download links for some of the other songs in the player. I have not posted them all so if there is a song that is not listed, but in the player, email me. Let me know which songs you would like download links for. Enjoy your music goodies!

I have uploaded a few new songs to the player. Hopefully they will be available by the time I post this. I have listed the songs below. I am attempting to make them clickable links for you to download from, if you like the songs. Also, I will be listing links to songs that I have previously posted in the past few weeks for your downloading pleasure! Enjoy!

Please email me if the links are not working. Thanks.

Yes....I have now added a disclaimer to my blog. The link to the disclaimer will be in the footer of this blog at all times. Please read this disclaimer in its entirety before proceeding with any further posts. Thank you. Enjoy your freakin' Tuesday.

UPDATED JUNE 16, 2009, 10 PM MST.

Hello My Bitches....I have just uploaded a few new songs, and I don't really know what to think of them. Please listen to them and comment on them. If you could comment on all of the new ones I have posted today, that would be great! Your vote could potentially be pushing a new song into my spin routine! And yes, I know that you probably can't listen to them until later, after you have finished your group lunch at Pancho's or Players. Thanks!

TGIF! Plus I am taking Monday off just for shits and giggles. Yeah me! Three day weekend. I will totally party it up this weekend, unfortunately, if I plan something, no one will come. Ugh. That's how it always works. Anyway, no Heather today at work, so I can tell you that it is going to be a quiet and boring day. I think I will search for some spin music and hopefully have it loaded onto my blog later today. You will have to let me know what you think once I have it posted. Have a good Friday everyone! Toodles.

I have tried to update my TFLN section and post, but we have visitors here today and they are on my ass like a hawk! So this post is going to be short....oh shit, gotta go.

I added a few more music files to the player. They are listed below. I hope that you are enjoying the new music! And just to throw this out there; according to Lady Gaga, she feels that her name sounds like a porn star name in the Teletubbie world! Hmmm...The more you know!

I just uploaded a few new songs to the player. It may take a while for them to show up. Anywho, here is a list of what I just added. ENJOY!

As always, email me through the Spin Music section for the links to any songs that you would like to download.

OK. So there you have my TFLN posting for the day and I have to say that my first reaction was WTF? What I want to know is, what the hell did he do with his finger after he stuck it in her butt? Did he wipe it on her like a booger? Like she said, nothing but class. So it's only Tuesday and I am so done with this week already! Ok, so maybe I am just done with people, exspecially (thats for you Mike) the really stupid ones. What the hell is it about me that gives off this vibe that tells stupid people to talk to me? Seriously, WTF? No, I don't know what the hell happened to your phone. No, we don't have ONLY one baby shoe in our lost and found. What? Your kid only has one foot? And finally, no, that's not a star on the side of my head, it's a picture of a monkey with a puppy. Yes you fool, its a fucking star. Ugh! I need to buy a gun. Of course, the day I get it will be the day you see my picture on the arrest website. No bail accepted. PSH!

Alrighty, so it has been a few days since I have posted, oops sorry! Anyway, Mike and I headed to Salt Lake this weekend to attend gay pride in the LDS capital of the world. I'm not sure, but somewhere in there is some irony. So let me recap my weekend for you. Drove to SLC, hate that fucking drive, it's useless. OK, so Mike did all the driving, I rode along in the car; but I did help convert the oxygen to carbon dioxide. Met Dani and Sally, Mike's very own lesbians, love them! Ran into our friend David a.k.a. "That Mess" at a knock off P.F. Changs. Met Dani and Sally's neighbor Derek and some other gal that needed to be narrated by Sigourney Weaver while she was in the pool. SHOUT OUT to Derek for getting us on the list for Bliss. Like we needed it. PSH! Partied with our good friend Lisa at Bliss and her friend Liz, who happened to be Sally's sister-in-law. Loved you Liz. Come party with us anytime. You too Lisa! Had a great time at Bliss. Best part was that the club shared the block with the hotel I was staying in. I could have crawled back to my room drunk if I needed to! YEAH! Attended pride at the park on Sunday while it rained on and off. Ran into random people while we were there, except for Sheldon. I can run into Kenneth on accident three or four times at pride, but can't find Sheldon on purpose. WTF? After we left pride, we decided to check Kohl's for some shoes that I have been looking for. I HAVE BEEN TO THREE DIFFERENT KOHL'S IN THIS FUCKING STATE AND NOT ONE OF THEM HAD MY SIZE. Get with the program Kohl's. Seriously! The ride home wasn't bad. I did get to take a nap, sorry Mike, I was exhausted. Thank god for satellite radio in the rental car though. I am so glad that with this satellite radio technology, they still have the ability to play the same songs over and over. Thanks Sirius! And finishing off my weekend was Skittles still being alive when I got home. Thanks Cariebear, I know he missed me! Well, its back to work for me. I have actually been working today. The boss will be back tomorrow. I'm sure I will blog later about some random crap that happened over the weekend. Hope you all have a good one!

Trip action! On my way to pride for the weekend. Catch all you bitches when I get back and do some serious posting!

It's hump day everyone! I even got to sleep in this morning. Well....by accident. Totally slept through my alarm and was late for work this morning. Thank goodness the boss is out of town until next week. Heather almost beat me to work, which should tell you how late I was. Anywho, WTF is up with Eminem? Gone for 4 years, comes back and expects to be back at the top of the rap game again? I wish I could take a 4 year break from my job, come back to the same position, making the same pay like nothing ever happened. Whatever. Sorry Mike, but I have decided that it is Latin night on Wednesdays at the house. Every Wednesday I will have as many Latinos as I can get to come over and clean the house, serve us drinks and then keep me safe in my bed all night long! So, if anyone knows of any Latinos that resemble the ones in the pictures, please send them on over. Everybody is welcome to join us for a drink, but remember that the Latinos are staying. No taking them home!

P.S. - We can do Twink Tuesday for you Mike!

She may not have taken first place, but I think she did pretty well considering all the pressure she has been under. I believe that taking second for her, was more than she had hoped for and did a beautiful job. Congrats Susan!

It's Tuesday and I am as excited to be at work as I would be for a chlamydia swab test. Really not having it today. I hope everyone else is having a better day than I am so far. Hopefully it will get better, maybe I will see a child get struck by their parent or better yet, mauled by an animal. Kids are better off being sold to Kathy Lee Gifford and learning how to sew a hidden button. Anywho, its tainted Tuesday somewhere, I may have to have a drink or two tonight and see how that works out for me. Of course, this will definitely be after I go to the gym to run and drool over the hot guys lifting weights wishing it was me they were lifting instead. Maybe I just need a vacation. Canada or something. Maybe even Georgia! Robin! I need to come see you! I miss my Robin! Sorry the napping couch won't fit in my carry on, but I will have a nap on for you!

Welcome back to Monday, those of you just waking up in the gutter, I hope your weekend was worth it and thanks for not inviting me! Let me recap my weekend for you. Watched Susan Boyle come in second place on "Britain's Got Talent" which I think she deserved first place, but I am happy for her to take second. I think she was completely relieved to take second place. Went to Red Robin and got some free cheesesticks, thanks Ursie, Cariebear, Mike and I enjoyed those thoroughly! Went to a straight kegger in which the cops circled around like vultures which caused the owner of the house (knowing there were 15 year olds present) to lockdown the place like Alcatraz. Had I known about the drinking 15 year olds, I totally would have bailed before I had to climb a wall to just escape. Finished my weekend off with a second viewing of Star Trek. All in all, except for the movie, my weekend sucked big time. Yeah me! Maybe next weekend I can do something fun so I don't end up slitting my wrists by Sunday night. Have a wonderful Monday people!