Well…like most of Tiger Woods’ sponsors, 2009 has come and gone. Personally, I am glad to see 2009 go and before it has a chance to disappear completely, I would like nothing more than to tell 2009 to suck a fart out of my ass. Hopefully most of you, like me, will be celebrating and bringing in 2010 three sheets to the wind because as most of you know, proper holiday behavior is to be drunk. I will be pissing the night away (cue Chumbawamba) with friends and a Ziploc full of ribs. Tim, I shall thank you ahead of time for the wonderful ribs as I will be so drunk that anything will seem ok, even anal sex...wait.. As we bring this year to a close I thought I would share some of my favorite moments from 2009 and a few of my resolutions.

Favorite/most memorable moments of the past year go to…

I don’t know about you, but I have mixed feelings about fools like these. First off, they bother me. Ok, so “bother me” is putting it nicely. Most of the time I want to shank them with the shiv from my keester stash. On the other hand, they bring me glorious entertainment with their shenanigans. Makes me just want to pull up a lawn chair, pop some popcorn and enjoy the show.

As it is with tradition, I have come up with a few resolutions to work on once 2010 has commenced. Just like every other year, I’m sure that I will inevitably lose sight of these goals. I’m hoping that I will at least last the first day of the New Year before reverting back to my self-absorbed assholeness.

The winners of the 2010 Resolutions are…

Here’s wishing you a great and bile-less New Year. To those of you that feel the need to list dieting as one of your New Year resolutions, I hope this quote from Jay Leno helps you along on your daunting task.

“Now, there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.”

So… my roommate Mike sent me this lovely post, A Toast, Jedidiah, from a gal named Kristen. First off, thank you Mike for sending this post my way. I love it and I am really liking some of her other posts. It sounds like her and I may have been twins separated at birth. If you know me, then you would know that her recap post fits me flawlessly. Second off, I would like to welcome Mike back to the gym. Those ellipticals have missed you. For those of you that don’t know yet, Mike finally purchased a gym pass. Oh… by the way Mike, your TV called and it misses you too.

Back to the daunting task at hand. You are welcome to click the link above, open a new window, read Kristen’s recap of Sean's post, and navigate your way back here or you can just read my recap of her recap about Sean's post and stop wasting your computer’s memory with all those open internet windows.

First and foremost, I must salute you Kristen and Sean (not that either one will ever read this, or even know who the fuck I am), your recap and post should win a prize for its brutal honesty and clarity. Shall we begin?

Neither Kristen nor I could picture ourselves being in a relationship with someone. There are so many things that I do by myself and to myself. I will eat alone, sleep alone, put my cigarettes out on the bottom of children’s feet alone, laugh alone (mainly at my own jokes), go to the gym alone, blah, blah, blah, etc. I don’t mind doing stuff with other humans, it’s just so taxing dealing with others’ schedules and it annoys the hell out of me to stray from my everyday routine. I understand that I have a DVR (Digital Video Recorder), but that does not mean I need to overwork it and run it into the ground. It’s not a ten year old in a sweat shop people!

Envisioning me in a loving, committed relationship is something that I have a hard time wrapping my head around. In fact, just writing about it has caused a fever blister to manifest on my lip. UGH! I have now dubbed my new friend Bob Loblaw (Arrested Development). You may call it Bob as you stare at it and giggle. Honestly, I would probably take pleasure in being with someone. Knowing that someone will be there, having them ask about your day, and wanting to go do things together gives me that same warm and fuzzy feeling that vodka does. Just as long as they knew I had complete control. Complete control. No silly checks and balances system here.

I have always said that I need a part-time boyfriend. Only around when I want him to be, and as far away from me when I don’t. Friday night through Sunday night would be perfect. A full-time relationship takes too much consideration and it’s not something you can just run away from like the dinner check or a crying baby. Mike would say I am like a cat, and he is right. I want a boyfriend to be loving and affectionate when I want it and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE OR I WILL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT when I don’t. And just like Kristen says, “He should have dark hair and a British accent.” Is that too much to ask for?

I’m sure if you took all of this information and put it together in some elaborate complicated mathematical equation, the ending conclusion would be that I am a self-absorbed asshole. Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. No more phone calls please. Truthfully, I am just an anti-social person living in a fantasy world where I am always right and I never get screwed over at the drive thru or take out. So, if you see me out in public, just remember a few things. Rule number one, unless you come served in a frosted glass, do not come within three feet of my lips and Bob Loblaw. Two, when you’re speaking and making jokes, just remember that I have a fake laugh with your name written all over it. And finally, I judged you at the door. It’s a safe bet that I think you’re stupid, shallow and a common whore.

I have added a few new tunes to the player on the music page. I hope that you enjoy them. I do have to say that I am really enjoying the "Back to the 80's" song. It makes me laugh every time I hear it. Also, the music page is in play mode only. There are no links at this time. If you are just dying to have a song, you know where to find me.

The holidays are upon us bringing the season of bitchiness and absolute stupidity. Douche baggery and stupidity have been running rampant in this town for a long time, but when the holidays roll around, we seem to be inundated with much, much more. I personally think that it may be all of the peppermint flavored “whatever” that is making everyone a raging asshole. Mike a.k.a. Camilla seems to think that it is pumpkin flavored “whatever” that causes people to be a douche. I’m not quite sure whether it’s the peppermint or the pumpkin. Maybe it’s some peppermint pumpkin flavored protein shake that everyone is drinking, who knows? Maybe it’s just me being the douche bag and thinking that everyone else is. Nah, that can’t be it. I’m a crazy asshole year ‘round. So it really must be everyone else.

I am just completely fed up with people and it is barely Thanksgiving. Dealing with idiots has become so common place now days that I almost don’t recognize it when I see it. Like when I went to Costco last week to pick up some water for the office. I will admit that when I purchase water for the office, I do buy quite a few cases. I load up my NASCAR sized basket and race to the front to get the hell out of there. Now…here begins the idiocy. Comment after comment about the size of my purchase. “How much water can you drink?” “Boy, you must be supplying water to another country…ha ha ha.” O.K., so maybe I don’t get the whole concept of Costco. I was under the impression that it is a warehouse and bulk was the name of the game. I did not realize that I was offending people with my lack of knowledge of Costco etiquette. I will now be conforming to Costco standards and no longer buying items in bulk. I have learned my lesson. The next time you see me there, I will be grazing the aisles munching on the free demos then heading up to the checkouts with my single purchase of Metamucil and holding up the line.

With all of this bitching and jolly jabbering I have been doing, I have failed to realize that it is Thanksgiving and I should be giving thanks for many things. So I have compiled a few points that I am thankful for, and hope that some of you can take them to heart as well and enjoy this wonderful holiday season.

1. I am thankful that I can easily recognize a douche bag thanks to Ed Hardy.
2. I am thankful that blamestorming is now considered an art form.
3. I am thankful that I carry mistletoe in my back pocket so all the hateful bitches out there can kiss my ass.
4. I am thankful that Camilla Toe rolled out on the hot mess express this year.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving bitches!

Well Camilla came out in full force this past Halloween weekend and tore up the town with her toe! She flaunted that cougar cave like it was the best thing since sliced bread. There hasn’t been that much toe since Britney Spears stumbled out of the car. It’s been three long years since we have had the glamorous toe tapping Camilla and it was well worth the wait. Many of you were lucky enough this past weekend to experience the “leg in the air” and “stank extraordinaire” party hard with her Aftershock and shirt stretching sandbag tits. For those of you who unfortunately missed that cavernous cougar on the prowl, I have posted pictures for your viewing pleasure. CAUTION! Children under 17 viewing these photos may need an adult and/or therapy. Simply click on the photos tab in the upper right hand corner. These photos have been brought to you in part by Brit-Tan’s Facebook and “Right-Click, Save Picture As...”

I do need to thank everyone for all the bitch-slapping that took place to bring our precious Camilla back! Thank you; everyone did an awesome job. I know I would like to see Camilla again and so I will be doing my part and begin my bitch-slapping early for next year. ‘Tis the season of merry giving and I will be merrily giving the palm of my hand to your face. JMike may not want to bring Camilla back so soon, but just like Brokeback Mountain, we just can’t quit you Camilla. You bring joy, laughter and that stranger danger feeling to our lives. Here’s to you Camilla Toe, for a wonderful Halloween, until next time.

I would like to toss out an update for all the Camilla Toe supporters out there. It appears that many of you have taken on my plea for help and have been bitch slapping (“BS”) the hell out of people this weekend. That is great! A flash of the Toe was spotted this past weekend and I do believe if we keep up with the BS, that we may have the Toe in full force for Halloween. I would like to give a shout out to my Brit-Tan, who went right to the source and laid down a bitch slap so hard that I’m sure Chris & Robin felt it out in Georgia. Way to go Brit-Tan! Keep up the good work. Chris, figuring out a way to hurl some "BS" all the way from Georgia was brilliant.

The Camilla countdown begins today and hopefully everyone will continue to throw down the BS. If you are just learning about our cause; remember, it’s not too late to start. Throw down as much BS as you can possibly can. Help bring Camilla back to life. I’m sure many of you made the most of the weekend and presented all kinds of BS to your friends and family.

Keep up the good work everyone. Pretty soon we will be flooded with the crazy tastelessness that makes up Camilla.

Ok folks, I need your help! As we draw even closer to Allhallows Eve, my roommate Mike a.k.a. JMike a.k.a. Muffin a.k.a. Hateful Cow is still piddling around with his costume. We are all looking forward to setting our eyes on Camilla Toe (see below) this year. It was 2006 - a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away – since anyone has groped or witnessed the gross misconduct that is Camilla. Mike, JMike, Muffin, Hateful Cow….we are begging you to bring her back! We need magnificent Halloween entertainment this year. It has not been the same since you last pulled out those chicken wings from those droopy, sandbags tucked in your belt you called breasts.

Just as you did when you where a child and clapped your hands to bring Tinkerbell back to life, help me bring Camilla Toe back by bitch slapping someone….anyone. That’s right! That’s all it takes. The harder your slap, the better it is. Each time you bitch slap someone, it helps to bring Camilla Toe back to us. Instead of giving that high five for a job well done, smack a bitch up. Sit out on the sidewalk in front of your house; extend out your hand and slap those children running by on their way home from school. Let them run right into it! It’s simple; it’s so easy that everyone can do it. Tell a friend, tell a co-worker, tell your frienemies! In fact, don’t tell them, show them!

We miss that scraggly, been everywhere red hair that looks like it took a roll through a forest. Please, please bring her back! It just hasn’t been the same!

Want to see more quality posts? Help bring this blog back to life by doing your part and put out your cigarette on the bottom of a child's foot.

Alright bitches, it has been one of those Monday's. The kind where you get to work and want to cut up a bitch because you just realized that you forgot your boot flask at home. How can it be that some Monday's are just hell? I hope the rest of you have had a better Monday than I have had, if so, I hate you. Anyway....I'm sure most of you remember that this past weekend was the St. George Marathon. I assume that most of you (except maybe Cariebear) still enjoyed your weekend because you didn't have to park your vehicle down the street due to the city closing off certain roads most of the day to allow the runners dragging their sorry carcasses toward the finish line some type of unwarranted safety. Yes.....they closed my street and inconvenienced me. I hate them all. Fuckers.

All that inconveniencing was repaid though when I returned home from spin and watched some runner hit the wall. It was the funniest thing ever! She collapsed right in the middle of the road and fell down onto her knees. She came down really hard and probably shattered or broke something in her knee. She then sat in the middle of the road holding her knee and crying out loud! It was music to my ears. Yes, I started to feel bad, but then I remembered I had to park out on the street. Hmmmm....sucked to be her!

OK. I have finally decided to post some more music for you. I do apologize for the lack of posts, but school this semester is really kicking some ass and taking names. Posting from work has gone by the wayside since we are heading into the "holiday" months and I am constantly working on something new. Anyway, here are nine new songs for you, yes nine, count them!

I know I haven't been on my "blob" (as Brit-tan calls it) to post for a while, but between work, school, spin and keeping up with the social lives of the Kardashians (Yeah Right!), I have NO time! I thought I could at least post today and wish a very happy birthday to one of my favorite people....ROBIN! I got you a birthday cake too! It's down below. Enjoy!

I can not hold it in any longer. I have to tell someone. Maybe shout it from the rooftop somwhere....Maybe email someone....Better yet, text all of you. Or I could just post it on here and let you read it for yourself. I got a new car. That's right. I GOT A NEW CAR BITCHES! HA! It's a wonderful piece of machinery and I got a great deal on it. It has it all; a sunroof, iPod hook up, alloy wheels, a spoiler (fin for some of you) and it's silver in color. It was sent from heaven just for me. I took a picture for all of you to drool over. Make sure you move your keyboard first. Wouldn't want to short it out.

This magnificent vehicle is so far beyond my old car that it just can't compare (especially in gas mileage)! The old car just wasn't cutting it anymore. It had horrible air conditioning. A ton of miles on it. Maintenance & repair everytime I turned around and it got the shittiest gas mileage I have ever had in a car. I know you are all dying to know what kind of shit bomb my fabulous Q-Lister ass would be driving around in, so I have added it's mug shot to the post as well. Thank god it is on it's way to the shredder!

If you haven’t seen Jay Sean, you should look him up. HOT! I wish it was Gay Sean. Then maybe I could have my way with him. YUMMY!

I have once again updated my music page with a few new songs. Some of you may recognize the remix of Boom Boom Pow from the G.I. Joe movie credits. I know I went right home and looked for it. Please enjoy the music!

So it has been over a week since my last post and I must apologize. I have been absolutely busy this past week with work, having a few personal projects going on and teaching spin 5 times last week, three of which were within 24 hours of each other. Now some of you may be telling me to suck it up, you teach spin for a living. Let's see you do three classes in a row, one of them at 6 am, and see how the hell you are feeling. Another reason is the fact that it has been hotter than hell here in Utah's Dixie a.k.a. Utah's Douche Bag Training Site. Once you hit 100 degrees you don't want to do anything but lie in your bed and drink ice cold lemonade. A lot of the folks around here have been going out to the lake to cool off. So I decided to take a trek out there to see what the fuss is all about. I don't know about you, but I was NOT impressed with what was going on out there. I did see a lot of this...
Not impressive at all. Plus the lake was not at all what I expected. There is no way I would step foot in that boiling inferno. I took a picture for all of you so you know what in the hell is going on out here (see below). So if your inside your house dying of heat, just remember, you could be at the lake experiencing a lot of muffin topping and this....

Sadly, it is Monday again and we are all back at work, except Heather. WTF? She thinks she can have a vacation? What am I supposed to do all week? I can’t just sit here and give Mark shit all by myself. That’s a two person kind of job. It’s definitely going to be one helluva week! Well, Monday has just started off grand. I am having brain farts left and right. You would think that one would run out of…….sorry, brain fart. What was I saying? Oh well, anyway, I have been having brain farts all morning long. One would think that eventually the flatulence oozing from my mind would cease. HELL NO, they are non-stop. I guess I just need to take some Brain-O to stop these embarrassing displays of stupidity.

It’s now time for the weekend recap. Here is my checklist of things to experience this past weekend.

1. Teach two spin classes in a row, and only have two people show up to the first one. Check.
2. Listen to friend’s telling me about their sex lives against my will. Check.
3. Drink a lot. Check.
4. Find humor from people where there once was none. Check.
5. Eat tons of food including a dinner for 4 after completing number 3. Check.

All in all, not a bad weekend, but the week is certainly not off to a good start. I have embedded a brain fart funny for you below and I hope your week is starting off better than mine. Enjoy!

Here are some ear goodies for you that have been posted on the music page. Go on, treat yourself. You know you want to.

I almost forgot one more picture. Here is my party arrival pic. The Q-List bag and I did arrive in style, but then I proceeded to get out of the car Britney Spears style. Oops! I did it again.

Yeah for me! I have finally posted some of the pictures from the party last weekend. I would like to thank everyone involved: the Q-List Publicist, AssProd and Tour Manager. You guys were great. The party was a lot of fun, but unfortunately I was totally outshined by none other than my fucking Q-List bag. It was a hit at the party. I'm pretty sure that it will be invited to the next party, but somehow my invitation will get "lost in the mail." PSH! For those of you who missed the party, the bag is a must have. It held such things as a big bottle of rum, two bags of chicken wings, container of blue cheese dressing for said chicken wings, a cell phone and by the end of the night, a bowl full of peanut M&M’s®. They were freakin' awesome!

These fabulous fotos have been posted to the Pictures page which you may access by clicking the Pictures link at the top of this site or by "CLICKING HERE." ENJOY!

So....yes....it has been a few days since my last post. I have been uber lazy and still have not posted the pics from the party this past weekend. Although, in my defense, I was totally booked last night and couldn't fit it into my schedule. Don't worry, I do have the pics, I just haven't had time to work on them yet. I know, I know, who gives a fuck? This is all about you and I should post and make sure you are happy everyday. Well....you can suck a fart out of my ass cause I will get to it when I get to it. You are my bitches, not the other way around. Learn to cope. HA!

Anyway, so a bunch of us went out to dinner for our friend Tia's birthday. It was fun seeing everyone, but what in the hell is it with some of the guys having to tell us about their slut chronicles at dinner? I don't want to hear about your nastiness at dinner. I'm trying to eat, you can tell me about that shit later when I need something to help me throw up. One in particular had just had sex with a guy right before he came to dinner. He was late showing up, smelled of sex and I believe had cum on his chin; although, he said it was gravy from his mashed potatoes. PSH! Whatever. Then we had to hear about him having a man scheduled for every night this week. This boy needs a manager, publicist and a tour manager worse than I do. WTF? He wreaked of chlamydasyphaghonahepaherpelaids and I'm sure I will need to get a penicillin shot just for sitting by him. I will tell you this, it is fun to see him and another slut I know go head to head (no pun intended) in competition. I'm just glad they are competing against each other and don't combine slut powers. If they did, I don't think this town could survive.

So I'm sure that many of you have seen this video, but I just found its wonderfulness today! It's Pink's "Please Don't Leave Me" and it's totally a precious video. That's right...PRECIOUS! I thought I would post it here for your viewing pleasure and let you know that if you feel that you can relate to this video, then....YOU A CRAZY BITCH and we will probably get along. LOL. Anywho, I believe that my Publicist is working on a fun and fabulous party for this weekend so I hope to have some Q-List photos posted for you by Monday (probably Tuesday, Monday I have lazy time penciled in) and yes, I am working on getting you the tour t-shirt Robin. I didn't forget!

Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted for a few days. Well, I'm back! That's right bitches. This is my new post, so cherish it, enjoy it and write home about it. I wish I could say that I have been busy with Q-List crap like appearances, photo shoots, parties, blah, blah, blah, but unfortunately I haven't. I've just been lazy, that's right, LAZY! It would have been nice to have been inundated with the Q-List, but as we all know, I'm not that famous...yet. I get knocked off the list by a peeing and vomiting dog at the liquor store. Imagine how I get treated at Smith's. I have been thinking about wonderful, fabulous events that I should be throwing for the Q-List. It is summer after all. We should be doing lots of fun things bitches! As My Bitches, you should be thinking of great and wonderful things I could be doing. Suggestions? Send them to Cariebear. She's my new Publicist (PR Gal) even though she doesn't know it yet. Love ya Cariebear! Anywho, I have posted a few new songs to the blog, they are listed below. Please take note that I will be cleaning up the file host, so the music page will be updated and everything posted prior to July 1 will be removed. Including the download links. I want to have this done by the 10th, but it may not happen until whenever the hell I get to it. Cope with it.

Some of you may have seen my recent post scratching the surface about the over abundance of douche bags in this god forsaken little town. Hopefully most of you jumped over to Noobies VÜ to learn about the Dodo douche bag. Something we all need to be aware of and watch out for! But for today, I have decided to chat about douchette bags or douche baguettes if you will. It wouldn’t be fair of me to just bring the douche bags to light without warning you about douche baguettes as well. Just like their counterpart the douche bag…They are everywhere! You can find them in traffic; you can find them in your office in the cubicle right next to you… Hell, some you can even find in the mirror every morning. DB’s are like pornography… You can’t quite define it, but you know what it is when you see it.

So I have compiled a list of the top 4 signs that you might be a douche baguette!

1. If you demand respect and treat everyone else like shit. This is the one trait that defines all douche bags and douche baguettes! Like Noobies VÜ said, some of them are subtle and cunning and can hide this trait very well. It’s very important to see how the suspected DB interacts with wait staff and others in the service field before making the call.

2. If you have an undeserved sense of entitlement. It is expected that everyone immediately drops what the hell they are doing and tends to the DB’s needs, no matter what the cost. This “sense of entitlement” can vary depending on the DB and they feel it is owed to them.

3. If you know everyone and have done everything. They have done it all! They elevate the “one-up” to an art form. It doesn’t matter what it is….they have done it, and did it better than you! Who you know….they know them. Where you have been….they have been there. There is no end to what the DB’s will do to prove their supremacy.

4. If you have a store bought tan. Your tits aren’t the only fake things about you. Not only can you blend in with Housewives of New Jersey, but you could go as the Great Pumpkin from Charlie Brown. Orange is a color best left on a creamsicle.

If you exhibit one or two of these traits, then do yourself and everyone else around you a favor and RECOGNIZE! Take appropriate steps to rectify the behavior before it is too late. If you currently exhibit all of these traits then face it. It’s no mistake. You are a fucking douche baguette. You have reached the douche baguette point of no return. Do us all the favor of just killing yourself right now. Don’t even bother to finish this post.

P.S. I had to move my tour time back to 9 pm tonight. The 7 pm slot was already taken by a dog peeing in the bush next to the building, vomiting and then eating it. Ugh…that’s life on the Q-List.

So I am sure that most of you noticed that I did not post yesterday. I do apologize, but I was busy all day long putting my tour schedule together for My Life On The Q-List. That's right! A tour schedule. I do not have a tour manager since I am on the Q-List, but I thought I would put a tour together anyway. Now...this "tour" thing does not mean that I am going around doing stand up comedy or anything of that nature. It's a list of places you can see me at on a day to day basis making fun of people and judging them; which can be stand up comedy if you think about it. I will be testing a "pre-tour" date to see how it works out. This week you can see me at 161 North 900 East, St. George, Utah on Friday, July 3rd at 7 PM MST. Remember, this is on Friday night, not Saturday, that location will be closed Saturday in observance of the holiday.

Just to let all you cougars in training out there know, my friend Tam ("My Little Cougar") offers a Cougar Camp for all new cougars to this skilled profession. She offers "hands on" pack training at the gym Monday through Thursday. Friday through Sunday she's out hunting for herself and cannot be bothered. If you would like to join the hunt, simply email her at iwantayoungerman@cougarcamp.com. Good luck hunting!

Is there a Douche Bag ("DB") training facility in town somewhere that I don't know about? Do they have some secret base of operations located out in the fields where you can only gain entrance upon completing some type of asshole handshake or teabagging? It seems like we are being infested with DB's everywhere. They are spreading through town like the Bird Flu through Mexico and leaving the Chlamydasyphaghonahepaherpelaids in their wake. Where the hell do they all come from? What kind of training are they receiving? Seriously, is there a handbook for this kind of shit where on the first page you get the two main rules for becoming a DB?

1.) Purchase as many Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts as you can.
2.) Learn that the only way to get your point across is to be a complete asshole.

Some how, some way, we need to figure out how to make DB's an endangered species. Maybe tonight at Mike's intervention we can all blamestorm something.

Ciào

The fame has started rolling in. This morning some lady at Albertson's totally rushed me for my autograph. She needed it for her "charge slip" album or whatever she was calling it. UGH...fame is so exhausting.

So I've decided that I am stepping over into the obsessive part of life and I am going to be Like Kathy Griffin. As she lives on the D-List, I will be living on the Q-List (Queer List) as a D-Lister in training. Although, I will probably end up on the F'd List when this is all over. No, no, no, I will not be doing anything drastic like stalking her. If I am going to be stalking anyone it will be Ryan Reynolds (YUMMY!). Anywho, as a D-Lister in training, I will now be wearing my sunglasses everywhere I go, including work, taking calls on my cell phone with the speaker on at all times (if you don't like that, don't call me...TEXT!), getting out of vehicles in a mini-skirt and no undies and possibly wearing a hooded sweatshirt or hat, although this may fuck up my hair and I can't be having that. I would like to have my own show, but since I am short a camera crew, production company, famous guest stars, a channel for it to be on and pretty much anything else that goes with that, it probably won't happen so you will get to watch my Q-List life through my photos that I have yet to post on this site. To sum it all up....nothing will change. I will still do the same shit I do now, except I am going to photoshop my pics to make myself look even cooler. HA!

It's freakin' Wednesday and we still have two days left of the week. Let's all pop some Xanax, put on our boot flask and make it through the next two days at work. WE CAN DO IT! Anyway, Transformers 2 came out last night at Midnight and the reviews do not look good. I am very saddened by this and all I have to say is, I better see some shirtless action from any of the HOT male stars if I am going to sit through a movie Rotten Tomatoes (looked it up for you Mike) has only given a 21% (109 rotten reviews out of 138 total at the time of this post). I am not too happy about this. It's fucking summertime, all of the movie blockbusters are supposed to be out and be damn good movies, not CG animated, Megan Fox stripping, technical duds. Now, if Josh Duhamel was stripping, this would be an entirely different thing!

Well, pick yourselves up by the boot straps campers. Two more days and we are to the weekend! Let's all keep going and get this train wreck of a week over! I have also updated the music page of my blog with some new music. The new songs are listed below for you. Enjoy!

OK. So if you haven't watched Kathy Griffin's: My Life On The D-List, you are definitely missing out. That is some funny shit! Last nights episode Kathy (look at me on a first name basis like we are BFF's) was invited to fly out to Georgia and spend the night with Paula Deen and her family. Very good episode! Trying to watch Kathy hook it up with Paula's available son and get into the Deen fortune was hilarious. I do have to say though, I about peed my pants when I heard Paula Deen's description of the Griffin Team's restaurant serving skills being described as a "circle jerk." HOLY SHIT! To hear those words come from Paula Deen was priceless!

Also, if you have not checked out her official personal website, I have added it to the links section of my blog. Her tour dates are listed on her website and she will be in LAS VEGAS ON JULY 3RD! Anyone up for going with me?

Well, well, it's Monday and I am ready to crawl back into bed. We should have all got up before sunrise, rushed out to a field grabbing any object we could and battled to prevent the sun from coming up thus delaying the work week from starting (see below). This weekend seemed long and unproductive and it also seemed like all the little things went wrong for me. Started out Saturday morning with spin. YEP, I was late. I got up on time, got ready and left on time as well, but I was two minutes late by the time I got to the gym. Either my clock or the gym clock is wrong or I experienced a time warp on the Boulevard. Just little things here and there went wrong. It was upsetting, yes, but it didn't turn me into Princess Pissy ("PP") for the weekend (insert "Thank God!" comment from friends). The 80's dance party at Jazzy Java was a bust. I guess the cops showed up when the dance started and informed the owner that he could not hold a dance because he did not have a dance hall permit. WTF? Do you need a permit to do anything in this city? Oops, I just farted, are you going to arrest me City of St. George since I do not have a permit to break wind? Fugitive on the run here. Anyway, had a family BBQ this weekend for my uncle's 40th birthday. It went surprisingly well (the Xanax helped quite nicely) since my family usually gets into a fight anytime they come within 10 feet of each other. This time, not so much. No fights, no name calling, no throwing food, etc. I do miss the name calling though, it's quite funny. They use such primitive words like dipshit and asshole. Nothing creative like Cock Juggling Thunder C*nt.

Just so everyone knows, Kenneth (Kdawg) is starting his diet and training at the gym today. So if you see him this week, this is probably why he may be acting like PP. I do wish him the best of luck with his goals, I hope that he achieves them and maintains them to his satisfaction. Before I forget, Bath and Body Works("BBW")is having a sale. I just put a huge dent in my checkbook purchasing foam soap, shampoo, conditioner and lip balm. The soaps are $3, lip balm $5 and the shampoo and conditioners are $3. Everything seems to be on sale and its a pretty good one that is going on right now, so PLEASE come to the mall, shop BBW and support us! Have a great Monday and next week let's all plan to battle back the sun to keep the work week from starting!

The migration is complete and so far all of the links are still working. You will notice page links at the top of the blog for my profile, music, photos, the archive and contact. I have also added a search bar to the right. I hope that you all enjoy the new look. Feel free to take a look around and have fun!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

* Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
* Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
* And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Two more hours and we SHOULD (no promises) have a smooth transition to the new look of my blog. I hope that you all enjoy the new look and are very proud of me for actually making a post on the weekend. LOL.

Yes, Yes, I know! I told you that you wouldn't notice a difference with the migration to the new format, but some of you may have noticed that the Blog Archive is missing from the sidebar. OOPS! You can click on this Blog Archive link to access the archived posts for now. As always, learn to cope with it.

OK. I just have to tell you that I am having a ball revamping my blog! I did not know that it could be fun. It's totally like an addiction. I don't think I have ever spent this much time and put this much effort into anything, including school! Anywho, for those of you who have a blog and have used customized templates, you know what I am talking about. For the rest of you, either get a blog and try it out, or if you have one already, start uploading templates and see how much fun it is!

I totally just realized how much of a dork I am by posting this. Ugh!

Here are the download links for some of the other songs in the player. I have not posted them all so if there is a song that is not listed, but in the player, email me. Let me know which songs you would like download links for. Enjoy your music goodies!

I have uploaded a few new songs to the player. Hopefully they will be available by the time I post this. I have listed the songs below. I am attempting to make them clickable links for you to download from, if you like the songs. Also, I will be listing links to songs that I have previously posted in the past few weeks for your downloading pleasure! Enjoy!

Please email me if the links are not working. Thanks.

Yes....I have now added a disclaimer to my blog. The link to the disclaimer will be in the footer of this blog at all times. Please read this disclaimer in its entirety before proceeding with any further posts. Thank you. Enjoy your freakin' Tuesday.

UPDATED JUNE 16, 2009, 10 PM MST.

Hello My Bitches....I have just uploaded a few new songs, and I don't really know what to think of them. Please listen to them and comment on them. If you could comment on all of the new ones I have posted today, that would be great! Your vote could potentially be pushing a new song into my spin routine! And yes, I know that you probably can't listen to them until later, after you have finished your group lunch at Pancho's or Players. Thanks!

TGIF! Plus I am taking Monday off just for shits and giggles. Yeah me! Three day weekend. I will totally party it up this weekend, unfortunately, if I plan something, no one will come. Ugh. That's how it always works. Anyway, no Heather today at work, so I can tell you that it is going to be a quiet and boring day. I think I will search for some spin music and hopefully have it loaded onto my blog later today. You will have to let me know what you think once I have it posted. Have a good Friday everyone! Toodles.

I have tried to update my TFLN section and post, but we have visitors here today and they are on my ass like a hawk! So this post is going to be short....oh shit, gotta go.

I added a few more music files to the player. They are listed below. I hope that you are enjoying the new music! And just to throw this out there; according to Lady Gaga, she feels that her name sounds like a porn star name in the Teletubbie world! Hmmm...The more you know!

I just uploaded a few new songs to the player. It may take a while for them to show up. Anywho, here is a list of what I just added. ENJOY!

As always, email me through the Spin Music section for the links to any songs that you would like to download.

OK. So there you have my TFLN posting for the day and I have to say that my first reaction was WTF? What I want to know is, what the hell did he do with his finger after he stuck it in her butt? Did he wipe it on her like a booger? Like she said, nothing but class. So it's only Tuesday and I am so done with this week already! Ok, so maybe I am just done with people, exspecially (thats for you Mike) the really stupid ones. What the hell is it about me that gives off this vibe that tells stupid people to talk to me? Seriously, WTF? No, I don't know what the hell happened to your phone. No, we don't have ONLY one baby shoe in our lost and found. What? Your kid only has one foot? And finally, no, that's not a star on the side of my head, it's a picture of a monkey with a puppy. Yes you fool, its a fucking star. Ugh! I need to buy a gun. Of course, the day I get it will be the day you see my picture on the arrest website. No bail accepted. PSH!

Alrighty, so it has been a few days since I have posted, oops sorry! Anyway, Mike and I headed to Salt Lake this weekend to attend gay pride in the LDS capital of the world. I'm not sure, but somewhere in there is some irony. So let me recap my weekend for you. Drove to SLC, hate that fucking drive, it's useless. OK, so Mike did all the driving, I rode along in the car; but I did help convert the oxygen to carbon dioxide. Met Dani and Sally, Mike's very own lesbians, love them! Ran into our friend David a.k.a. "That Mess" at a knock off P.F. Changs. Met Dani and Sally's neighbor Derek and some other gal that needed to be narrated by Sigourney Weaver while she was in the pool. SHOUT OUT to Derek for getting us on the list for Bliss. Like we needed it. PSH! Partied with our good friend Lisa at Bliss and her friend Liz, who happened to be Sally's sister-in-law. Loved you Liz. Come party with us anytime. You too Lisa! Had a great time at Bliss. Best part was that the club shared the block with the hotel I was staying in. I could have crawled back to my room drunk if I needed to! YEAH! Attended pride at the park on Sunday while it rained on and off. Ran into random people while we were there, except for Sheldon. I can run into Kenneth on accident three or four times at pride, but can't find Sheldon on purpose. WTF? After we left pride, we decided to check Kohl's for some shoes that I have been looking for. I HAVE BEEN TO THREE DIFFERENT KOHL'S IN THIS FUCKING STATE AND NOT ONE OF THEM HAD MY SIZE. Get with the program Kohl's. Seriously! The ride home wasn't bad. I did get to take a nap, sorry Mike, I was exhausted. Thank god for satellite radio in the rental car though. I am so glad that with this satellite radio technology, they still have the ability to play the same songs over and over. Thanks Sirius! And finishing off my weekend was Skittles still being alive when I got home. Thanks Cariebear, I know he missed me! Well, its back to work for me. I have actually been working today. The boss will be back tomorrow. I'm sure I will blog later about some random crap that happened over the weekend. Hope you all have a good one!

Trip action! On my way to pride for the weekend. Catch all you bitches when I get back and do some serious posting!

It's hump day everyone! I even got to sleep in this morning. Well....by accident. Totally slept through my alarm and was late for work this morning. Thank goodness the boss is out of town until next week. Heather almost beat me to work, which should tell you how late I was. Anywho, WTF is up with Eminem? Gone for 4 years, comes back and expects to be back at the top of the rap game again? I wish I could take a 4 year break from my job, come back to the same position, making the same pay like nothing ever happened. Whatever. Sorry Mike, but I have decided that it is Latin night on Wednesdays at the house. Every Wednesday I will have as many Latinos as I can get to come over and clean the house, serve us drinks and then keep me safe in my bed all night long! So, if anyone knows of any Latinos that resemble the ones in the pictures, please send them on over. Everybody is welcome to join us for a drink, but remember that the Latinos are staying. No taking them home!

P.S. - We can do Twink Tuesday for you Mike!

She may not have taken first place, but I think she did pretty well considering all the pressure she has been under. I believe that taking second for her, was more than she had hoped for and did a beautiful job. Congrats Susan!

It's Tuesday and I am as excited to be at work as I would be for a chlamydia swab test. Really not having it today. I hope everyone else is having a better day than I am so far. Hopefully it will get better, maybe I will see a child get struck by their parent or better yet, mauled by an animal. Kids are better off being sold to Kathy Lee Gifford and learning how to sew a hidden button. Anywho, its tainted Tuesday somewhere, I may have to have a drink or two tonight and see how that works out for me. Of course, this will definitely be after I go to the gym to run and drool over the hot guys lifting weights wishing it was me they were lifting instead. Maybe I just need a vacation. Canada or something. Maybe even Georgia! Robin! I need to come see you! I miss my Robin! Sorry the napping couch won't fit in my carry on, but I will have a nap on for you!

Welcome back to Monday, those of you just waking up in the gutter, I hope your weekend was worth it and thanks for not inviting me! Let me recap my weekend for you. Watched Susan Boyle come in second place on "Britain's Got Talent" which I think she deserved first place, but I am happy for her to take second. I think she was completely relieved to take second place. Went to Red Robin and got some free cheesesticks, thanks Ursie, Cariebear, Mike and I enjoyed those thoroughly! Went to a straight kegger in which the cops circled around like vultures which caused the owner of the house (knowing there were 15 year olds present) to lockdown the place like Alcatraz. Had I known about the drinking 15 year olds, I totally would have bailed before I had to climb a wall to just escape. Finished my weekend off with a second viewing of Star Trek. All in all, except for the movie, my weekend sucked big time. Yeah me! Maybe next weekend I can do something fun so I don't end up slitting my wrists by Sunday night. Have a wonderful Monday people!

Welcome to Friday again. Thank goodness! Well... It was another Thirsty Thursday last night and the gays were out in full force. It was gay night at the Elks. I have not seen that many gays in one place since my last trip to the bath house. Not a bad night though, did a little dancing, a little drinking and a lot of judging! Fun times.

Just a few things to remember as we head into the weekend. First, Scaldoni’s will supposedly be rockin’ tonight so everyone should go. I will be there, apparently I have no choice. Second, Susan Boyle will be giving her final performance on “Britain’s Got Talent” on British TV Saturday from 3:20 – 4:50 EDT and the performance will be uploaded on You Tube immediately afterward. The winner will be declared on Sunday from 3:30 – 5:00 EDT. Watch her, and love her. Finally, it’s Flying Bitchslap Friday! YEAH! Be sure to share flying bitchslaps with all of your co-workers, friends and family! Hallmark does not make a card for flying bitchslaps at this time so you will have to do them all personally. Show them you care, give a flying bitchslap to someone you know.

I knew I became a fan for a reason! Apparently Susan has been dropping the f-bomb all over the place. LOVE IT! That's my type of girl, throw a few f-bombs here and a few f-bombs there and make the world a better place. Click Here For the Whole Story.

So I am totally becoming a fan of Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent. I just think that she has a wonderful voice and is kicking some ass in the competition. If you haven't seen any of her videos, then I hope you enjoy the ones I have posted for you. Yes, Mike, I know. I don't like to watch American reality shows like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing with the Stars, blah blah blah, but I will watch a British show like that. The answer is... you bet your ass I will, if it is British, I love it. I just wish that they would show Britain's Got Talent on BBC America (Go BBC!) so I didn't have to look up Susan's results on You Tube the next day. Anywho, here are her videos, the first one is a short version of her tryout. You can look up the original on You Tube and find the 7:31 long video. It gives a little more of her background and gives the full performance and critiques from the judges. It's awesome!

Ok people, I'm thinking that its Theme Party time again. But what to do? What kind of theme party should we have? I think we should have a vote on what to do and the most votes win! So here's what we do. Email me through my comments section below and put what type of theme party that you would like to do! I will post the top five in the sidebar so that we can all vote from the top five for what type of theme party it will be. Send everyone that you know to my blog to vote! Yes.... This is my shameful ploy to get everyone to my blog page. I have enabled the emailing options for postings so you can send this post right to your friends and have them go to justspinoff.blogspot.com to cast their vote! Come on people, let's have a party!

P.S. - WTF is up with the Text From Last Night I posted? Something is wrong there. Is he bi, tri, or just stupid?

I had to post this fail because it made me laugh and made me think of all the grave dancing that I need to do. What is everyone doing later tonight? Grave dancing anyone?

Well, its has been a long, but fun holiday weekend. Had our BBQ on Sunday, thats right, I purchased a brand new BBQ! YEAH ME! Anyway, it turned out to be a pretty good BBQ, started off a little slow, but ended with the cops being called on us. Good times. As for the rest of the weekend, watched Terminator Salvation and Angels and Demons. Both movies were pretty good, Sam Worthington who played Marcus Wright in Termination Salvation was YUMMY! Hello daddy! Good action flick too, but Sam definitely made the movie worth it and made my kitty purr. Sorry Cariebear if the purring was too loud for you. I have also changed out the FML section of my blog to Texts From Last Night. I prefer TFLN to the FML. Don't get me wrong, FML is still some funny shit, but some of the TFLN are even better. Caio!

I have posted new music from my Spin class this past week. I am really liking some of the new stuff that I have downloaded. Evacuate the Dancefloor by Cascada is pretty good and the remix of Hush Hush is pretty awesome toward the end when they bust out into "I Will Survive" and finish it off. I still have last weeks music on the file hosting site so you can still request downloads if you can remember the names of the songs, HA!

We find ourselves at the end of the week. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Friday everyone. I hope that you all have a great weekend and that your Friday is going well. Mine is, I just walked into work. Slept in this morning and casually got ready for work. Let's all do something fun this weekend cause I am still ready to party! So text me, email me, call me, send me smoke signals, call my PR guy, whatever it is you need to do to get a hold of me. Chat at you later!

I just want to give props to everyone who made my birthday a great day yesterday!  Thanks so much everyone, it was a really good B-Day!  Dinner was great and thank you so much for taking me out last night Cariebear and Alex!  Thanks for going out to dinner with me Tanya, Mike, Corey, Kyle, Cariebear and Alex.  Hopefully I did not miss anyone.  If I did and you feel left out, please email me at whogivesashit@tellsomeonelese.com. LOL. Just kidding. Also, thanks for lunch and the presents Kdawg, the rustic flowers are very pretty. They will look great on someone's grave.

Sometimes I wish my life consisted of highly public sexual behavior, gross mismanagement of funds, socially unacceptable and radical speech and thought. Then I would have a lot to blog about; but then I would hate to take the "home wrecker's" only job in town.

I was just told to come in late on Friday morning and party it up on Thursday night. I informed my boss that all of my friends (yes, all you bitches!) had to work so I may not be doing any of the "partying" he thinks I should do; Thirsty Thursday at the Elks just seems so GHETTO now after Scaldoni's. He was very disappointed. To cheer him up, I told him that I would do my best to come in smelling like a cheaper hooker and shame on Friday so he knows I had a good time. Great....I know where to get plenty of cheap hookers from, I just need to find some shame!

Good morning everyone! It's Hump Day! Thank God! We are almost there people. We can make it through the rest of the week. Say it with me now "Two more days, nothing a lot of valium can't handle!" It's a little easier for me since I have tomorrow off, but have to be back to work on Friday. And for those of you who don't work Fridays...fuck you, I hate you all and hope you die in a fiery crash in a crap filled car. Anyway, I'm sure that you will all hear from me later today, for now, get back to work!

So I'm out to dinner at Red Robin with cheesesticks. Jealous Cariebear? Thought I would try this mobile posting. Hope it works!

I am in need of some new music! I have spin tomorrow and I would like to be able to have some new stuff to play for them. Have you downloaded anything new and fun lately??? Let me know!

I have updated the spin music section of my blog to contain a player so that you may listen to the music that I used in spin during the last week. Remember, I will be updating the music section hopefully every Wednesday evening or Thursday morning with the current week's music. If you want to download any of the music that is currently playing, there is an email link below the player to email me with the name(s) of the song(s) that you would like and I will reply with a download link. Enjoy!

Ended up going to Scaldoni's on Friday night. Definitely better than Thirsty Thursday at the Elks. Getting a STD is optional at Scaldoni's as opposed to the not-so-optional at Elks, plus most of the women were wearing underwear. Better crowd, better music, and there is food! YEAH! But tell me this, should the answer you get to the question "Do you know your husband is gay?" be "Yeah, I know he likes the men" and then watch her make out with another woman???? WTF??? Something in that marriage has gone amiss!

I think we should all go to Vegas this weekend and go clubbing. Get a little, or a lot, of dancing in and see some good eye candy. Anyone with me?